Someone once told me that to keep things bottled up, is to throw fuel on the fire. Thanks Dad you're absolutely right. I'm a Paramedic of 3 years and lately I've been feeling very stressed out all the time. I began having stomach problems, that my doc attributes to stress, about 2 months ago. My sleeping habits are all over the place, I've been withdrawn from my family so I've decided that I will try writing all my thoughts down to hopefully get it out of my head and maybe restore my soul to some sense of normal.
Today I'm working and its raining and cool outside. The weather station is calling for tornadoes and the like tonight so I'm hoping that my friend at the 911 center doesn't have to set my tones off tonight. I've been feeling very conflicted in recent months with my desire to watch my kids grow up and my desire to maybe make a difference in 1 person's life. My husband reminds me quite frequently that we have financial obligations to take care of and I really do like my job. Today for instance I have a good partner and we've been having a good time. We just finished cooking dinner and it was just what the doc ordered. We've been passing the time surfing the Internet, running errands and just chatting. I remember when I was new to EMS and so full of energy and excitement. I see that same fire in my partner that I used to have and I wonder where it went. I like interacting with different people and doing what I can to help when I am needed. Lately that's just not been enough.
I've been re-evaluating what my career goals are and I'm still so conflicted. On one hand I want to continue what I'm doing but at the same time I really miss being home at night with my family. Its very difficult for me to find a good balance since I give 100% to everything I do. Unfortunately I cannot be everywhere and everyone all at the same time. My family says I need to just relax and let things go but I just can't do that. I don't quite understand why common sense is not used in every day life. Sometimes the smallest things are made so difficult it just boggles my mind.
My posts won't always be this personal. I intend to keep a diary of my growth as a Paramedic, mom and person so we'll see.